When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Sing it!
My current situation
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go