If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts