boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*limbos under the caution tape
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.