*limbos under the caution tape
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
u guys got any snacks onboard here
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
When libraries troll their patrons.