“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Lmao the reply
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.