Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Same post same
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
#TopTip
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
seems like a niche market
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.