“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
You Might Also Like
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere