Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.