Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich