[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.