Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
THE AUDACITY. 😤
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub