You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence