Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
starting a garage orchestra
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?