Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I cannot stop laughing at this
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
do what now??
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
for all #parents out there
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.