Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.