Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.