DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
You Might Also Like
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building