My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
O Wise One….
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.