O Wise One….
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.