I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
You Might Also Like
They’re not wrong
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.