Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Don’t touch that.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.