I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though