[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..