[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.