If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.