We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.