Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
New Tinder profile.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.