I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?