[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
me hooking up with my ex
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
sigh
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
adding to the discourse
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.