What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg![]()
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Peace was never an option
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.