What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.