What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.