i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Cow it started Cow it’s going
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem