i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls