I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret