absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room