Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The pen is writier than the sword.