cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head