bartender: get this catatonic
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*
Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?
Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?