cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.