I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
there has never been a better use of this meme
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes