No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
A bold strategy
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull