Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
🤣
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.