10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I don’t get marriage
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.