What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon