Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Why soy sad?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Good Morning.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.