“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Steam Forums
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.