Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids