I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy