when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
good morning
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”