There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Trumpy Cat