it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
But wait…
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”