Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
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When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner