Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
