Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.