Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’