What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.